Humorous article on Aussie racism - 'Racism made easy'

Hi,

A humorous take onthe racism debate that seems to be an ongoing inssue in Oz at the moment.

Tony

Racism made easy
June 17, 2005

http://www.theage.com.au/news/Opinion/Racism-made-easy/2005/06/16/1118869037393.html

Jim Schembri offers some handy tips on a popular Aussie pastime.

I've been looking for a lifestyle alternative for some time now, and given the way so many people have been behaving lately I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and give racism a go.
Some people are very "down" on this lifestyle, and it's easy to see why. It gets such bad press.

Yet, truth be told, it is to be warmly recommended as the benefits are many. Just allow its charms to work their magic and within minutes you, too, will be calling talkback radio to let those (insert name of target group here) know exactly what you think of them.

A big part of the appeal, of course, is how there's almost no overhead. There's no joining fee, no running costs, no uniform, no equipment, no membership renewal. What you spend is entirely up to you! Go nuts or do it on the cheap.

The best thing, however, is the sheer convenience of it. Suddenly the world becomes so much easier to figure out. There's no more thinking or considering different points of view or any of that sort of stuff because now you know exactly whose fault everything is.

And you can blame anything on anyone. Try it. Why are you paying $5.20 for an 80 cent muffin just because you're at an airport? It's all because of those damned dirty (insert favourite scapegoat here) and their lousy (insert country/culture/religious practice/legal system/sport/TV shows/other here). See how easy it is?

Getting into the groove is a breeze, and - get this - there's no training or experience necessary. All you need do is overreact to (insert hot-button news item here), then take an alarmist position as part of a popular backlash by threatening to (cancel holiday/withdraw aid/write sternly worded letter to editor/ban eatery/other).

Give boycotting a go. It doesn't really matter what you boycott, just be sure to do it at the drop of a hat. Issuing boycotts is great, not just because it causes a big fuss on the news, but because, hey, nobody ever checks to see if you're doing any actual boycotting yourself! How sweet is that? After all, it might serve your purposes to declare a boycott on, say, microwaveable popcorn from (insert name of enemy nation here), but are you really going to sit through an entire OC marathon without it?

You can even switch your prejudice any time - from colour to religion to nationality to, well, whatever you like. Let your imagination run wild! How about trying a different bigotry each week? It's really up to you.

Friends and family may initially protest what you are doing, but this can be readily dealt with by simply locating the cable connecting the cerebral cortex to your brain stem and unplugging it (see fig. 1). It's advisable to do this at your earliest convenience as higher cortical functions will only hamper your enjoyment.

And because you don't have to answer for anything you do any more, you can say anything you like about anyone and not worry about lawsuits. Send anonymous letters, make abusive phone calls, slander people on the internet. Go for the classic and yell insults at people from a speeding car. "Hey, you filthy (insert racial epithet here)! Go back to where you came from!" (Note: slur does not work on indigenous Australians.)

At some point you'll need to put out a flyer to tell the world about your views. A crucial part of this is, under absolutely no circumstances, use spell check. Don't even proof read. Bad spelling and poor grammar have been the hallmark of racist street literature for decades, so maintain the tradition. Just whack the pamphlet on the office photocopier and start stapling it to telephone poles. (With an office stapler, naturally!)

When it comes to personal presentation you may feel the need to do something extreme, like tattoo a swastika on the tip of your nose, or trim your moustache until it resembles the 1935 Nuremberg Rally. These are creative options, of course.

A much-favoured style, however, is to simply dress exactly like everybody else in the office - then, at the most opportune moment, such as during a high-level board meeting, stand up and begin singing Why I am a Klansman.

It may not win you any converts, but as they drag you from the premises take comfort in the knowledge that there are many others like you just itching for any excuse to let those (insert favourite target group here) know what's what.

And, above all, remember - have fun!